True Self as a Spiritual Practice

I admit that I read more self-help than the average person, yet It seems like in the past couple of years, the notion of the “true self” is being referred to more frequently. This might be because we are longing for a connection to something stable amidst what sometimes feels like world chaos?

Deepak Chopra says, “The true self isn't a familiar term to most people, although it is close to what religion calls your soul, the purest part of yourself.”

The concept of the true self was introduced in 1960 by Donald Winnicott, who used “true self” to describe a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience, and a feeling of being alive, having a real self. The false self, by contrast, Winnicott saw as a defensive façade.

Since I have made the pursuit of the true self my life’s work, I wanted to write about what it means to me. After working with clients over the past 30 years that span 4 decades in ages, a broad range of geographic location and nationality and a relative 70:30 percent gender ratio, with women representing the majority, my experience is that most of us don’t really know who we are. 

We don’t know that makes us unique and special and how truly magnificent and powerful we are. Most of us are operating through life from a societal or false self that was formed through cultural and familial adaptation.  

In a session today with a client, he spoke of wanting to be himself as a leader, to not be forced or unnatural. One of his senior executives had advised him to “do you.” How exactly do we “do” us?

These are some broad principles that I have found to be universal in living according to the true self:

• It begins with accepting yourself; knowing your strengths, values, and limitations and then living and leading from that place.

• It means being in integrity with yourself and not molding yourself to gain approval or avoid conflict. You’re either in integrity with yourself or you’re not. This requires making moment by moment choices from what feels true and authentic to you and you alone.

• You don’t worry about pleasing other people or live according to someone else’s standards or rules.  

Thomas Merton, one of the most influential Catholic authors of the 20th century refers to the true self, “not as the ego self that wants to inflate us, not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self planted in us by the God who made us in God's own image–the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.”

Your true self is the essence of who you are, your pure identity that existed before birth, before any environmental influences or social conditioning. This self defines your unique quirks, longings, predilections, reactions and forms your uniqueness and individuality. Your true self is not changed or affected by how you were parented, who you were raised by or where you grew up. This is the part of you that must guide you towards your destiny and your joy. 

Contrarily, your other self, or the societal self, has developed because of social conditioning and the process of adapting to the expectations of family, teachers, and peers. This is the part of us that needs to be accepted for our very survival. As babies, our survival depends on the adults that care for us and to ensure that care, we modify ourselves for maximum acceptance. Human babies are born knowing that their very survival depends on the good will of the grown-ups around them. Because of this, we are literally designed to please others. 

The formation of our societal selves also builds the skills we need to effectively function within cultural norms – we learn how to speak correctly, be polite, share our toys, keep personal hygiene, dress appropriately, raise our hands in class, wait for our turn – the appropriate behaviors that will earn social approval. Our societal selves are critical to our ability to reach goals like completing a degree or landing a job. The societal self is the part of you that craved being told she was being “good.” The issue is that this people pleasing extends into adulthood and when the societal self dominates and the true self no longer has a voice, it gets lost and forgotten.

As Martha Beck says in Finding Your Own North Star, “Your essential self was the part of you that smiled for the first time as a baby. Your social self is the part of you that noticed how much your mother loved that smile. Your essential self wants passionately to become a doctor; the social self struggles through organic chemistry and applies to medical school. Your essential self yearns for time in nature; your social self buys the right hiking shoes. “ 

Typically, the societal self is the one in the driver’s seat, and the true self doesn’t even make it into the car. The societal self has dominated for so long, making choices according to what is most socially acceptable, that the true self can’t even be heard. That is until a cataclysmic life event happens which causes the societal self to collapse and then we are forced into questioning the choices we are making in our lives. Why wait for a cataclysmic life event?

The suppression of the true self is why almost every woman I have worked with has ultimately sought help. Often for years, they have been feeling dissatisfaction with life which has not shifted despite the perseverance at being a better person, taking yoga classes, eating a healthier diet, volunteering, and taking on more responsibility at work. Striving to be even more acceptable only makes things worse as it fuels the internal conflict between the true self’s need to pursue core longings and the societal self’s requirement not to upset anyone. The dissatisfaction eventually turns to restlessness, anxiety, numbness, self-doubt, even despair. 

If our life choices and behaviors are motivated by the desire to keep another person happy, we will lose the connection with our true self. Without that connection, it’s not possible to be deeply happy. Our culture teaches us how to create the external structures for success–education, career, income, home, car, image–yet we have confused these as the means to happiness. When we don’t find happiness, we try to make changes to our external world. True happiness arises from a connection with our true selves and the honoring of what our hearts yearn for, what brings us joy and fills us with awe.

Betraying yourself is selling your soul. So how do we calm down our societal self so that we can hear what the true self is screaming for? 

We must get out of the thoughts about our past that are causing us suffering and experience life in this moment, using our bodies as the navigational tool to instruct our direction. When the needle on the body compass points to joy, go there. When the needle points to suffering, it’s time to reevaluate your motivation.

Moment by moment we can keep returning to who we would have been without the pretense of who we think we should be.  

The whisperings of the true self are heard through the body. If you’ve been denying your own needs and desires to please other people or seek their approval, hearing what your true self is asking for may take some practice. It begins with choosing to make yourself a priority, accepting yourself exactly as you are, and every day giving yourself the gift of being silent so that you can quiet your mind and listen to your true self. It’s time to listen.

We have the choice of two identities: the external mask which seems to be real...and the hidden, inner person who seems to us to be nothing, but who can give himself eternally to the truth in whom he subsists.
― Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

I believe in you.

Tricia

I would love to hear from you.In what ways are you being true to yourself today? Please share your comments below .

Magical Thinking

During troubled times, I find myself needing a touch of eternity. More of the eternal gives me a sense of inner meaning.

Recently I’ve become obsessed with the theory of entanglement as it applies to our connection with each other and how and each of us plays an integral part in the cosmic energy field. That not only does our attention, whether positive or negative, affect our personal experience of life – our happiness, health and relationships – but it influences the whole of humanity. When we emit the frequency of love, we uplift the world. During these troubled times, this is huge. 

Allow me to back up a bit. For years, I have been aware of the mind-body-spirit connection and the impact of thought on our health. The cells of our bodies are affected by our thoughts; there is a link between mind and matter. Cellular biologist, Bruce Lipton wrote about his research on this in 2005. Faith and belief can help the body heal. How we choose to respond to our life experience, affects our emotional wellbeing and ultimately our physical health. 

How powerful is our mind? Powerful enough to attract wealth, or love? Can positive visualization manifest a different future outcome? Can we attract healing through prayer?

The theory of magical thinking is that a person’s thoughts or actions, either the spoken word or the use of symbols, can alter the course of events without a causal link. That an object or action not logically related to a course of events can influence its outcome.

I became intrigued by this, which led me to the field of epigenetics. Epigenetics is the effect of genetic influence by factors other than an individual’s DNA sequence.  Environmental factors, like diet, lifestyle choices, and stress can turn genes on or off which can change the health of an individual as well as that person’s descendants.  Even more interesting is how our emotional response to life experience also affects epigenetics which can modify neuron activity in the brain. In other words, our thoughts affect our epigenetics which then modifies our neurons to think and believe more of the same. So, our thoughts do create our reality. 

In 2015, a study was released in the scientific journal Nature, proving one of quantum theory’s fundamental claims, that two entangled electrons, separated by a mile, changed spins simultaneously. 

Quantum physics says that as you go deeper and deeper into the workings of the atom, you see that there is nothing there – just energy waves. It says an atom is an invisible force field, a kind of miniature tornado, which emits waves of electrical energy.

Those energy waves can be measured and their effects seen, but they are not a material reality. Science now embraces the idea that the universe is made of energy. We are of course made up of atoms. Atoms that were connected prior to the Big Bang. Therefore, through the theory of entanglement, that although we are separate we affect each other. Our thoughts can influence each other. We discount the impact we can have on each other. Yet everything we do affects everything else. We are part of each other.

By taking your focus off the negative and noticing what’s good, this alone can make a difference. To do this, we must shift from allowing the mind to be the master and by putting higher consciousness in the driver’s seat.  

We’re wired to notice the negative; our human brain has a negativity bias. Our capacity to assess negative input is an evolutionary adaptation to keep us out of harm’s way.  The amygdala in our limbic brain records the memories that produced both agreeable and disagreeable experiences, and often unconsciously evaluates our experience for the purpose of influencing our behavior and protecting us. The limbic brain builds a framework from challenging past experiences. The building blocks of this framework are the negative beliefs and stories we tell ourselves. Stories like, “I’m not smart enough,” “Things never work out for me,” “I’ll never make enough money to live the life I want.” This framework becomes the lens through which we evaluate life and make choices.

Once we become aware of this bias, we can tap into the other tool we have for navigating through life – higher consciousness. This is the part of each of us that is connected to universal consciousness, divine intelligence, or God or whatever you want to call it. When we operate from this wisdom we are on the frequency that we are all connected, that the Universe is friendly and benevolent. We can believe in ourselves and in our fellow humans. We aren’t looking for what’s wrong and who’s out to get us. We are anchored in abundance, joy, connection, and collaboration. It is human nature to want to help each other, to be of service and to be generous. This is what makes us happy. 

By letting go of emotional blocks, like anger and resentment and allowing ourselves to forgive and be grateful, we are altering our genetic code and building a brain that is predisposed to happiness. Research has shown that it is the frequency of small positive acts that matters most. There is no limit to how our imagination can affect our physiology, our emotional wellbeing and the wellbeing of each other. This truly is magical thinking.

May you realize how special and powerful you truly are.

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you.What have you been curious about? What do you do that helps you through troubled times?Please share your comments below

Overcoming the Shame of Mistakes

I really blew it this morning. I sent the wrong intake form to a new client and when she pointed it out, the shame settled into my gut. In fact, it took up all the space between my heart and my gut. It took over my mind with negative thoughts of how I would never earn her trust, how stupid I am and always have been, how I shouldn’t be doing this work because it’s not okay to make that kind of mistake. I became my 7-year-old self who didn’t understand math and her exasperated father couldn’t comprehend why I wasn’t able to get something so simple.

It is common for our emotional health to get damaged during childhood. A painful experience can shape our feelings of unworthiness and fuel the self-critical voice in our heads, even into adulthood. Our inner self-talk can be so painfully harsh. When we look at the root of what drives it, we find shame, the feeling that there’s something terribly wrong about us.

Childhood fractures are often centered around shame, the painful experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love. According to Lise Borbeau, author of Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self, there are five common types of wounding. These five types of wounding can show up in adults as:

• Fear of abandonment or fear of being alone

• Fear of rejection which can prevent us from accepting our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions

• Humiliation and fear of disapproval or criticism from others

• Betrayal or fear of trusting others

• Injustice, which leads to feelings of powerlessness. 

In my work with women, I typically see in equal measure the fear of rejection and the fear of humiliation as the most common causes of low self-esteem. Sadly, many women tell me how as children, they were told they were stupid, bad, overweight, not smart enough, high maintenance, needy, emotional, ridiculous, nonsensical, exhausting, selfish, spoiled, and disappointing.

It’s not hard to see how adult women might have internalized any of these messages and are now overcompensating to prove to the world that it isn’t true. Trying to do it all and do it all perfectly. 

Or not doing anything for fear of making a mistake– because a mistake would prove all the underlying negative beliefs. 

 Emotional fractures can lead us to armoring up in self-protection which can hinder our progress in life and block us from connecting with others as well as with ourselves. This armor comes from feeling ashamed of ourselves–our intelligence or our bodies–and needing to hide those messy parts of us. We don’t want to bring them out in the open for everyone to see how flawed we really are. This armor allows us to function in our lives and keeps us safe and hidden from the world but only to a point, until we make a mistake and then the shame bubbles up.

Creating mind-body awareness allows us to become the compassionate observer of the mind, body, and emotions. This isn’t about needing to fix anything, we are simply seeking to connect and learn.  Several times a day, take a few minutes to get quiet and bring your attention to your body. Then notice any physical sensations. You don’t need to do anything about them, you’re simply opening your awareness to them. You can set a timer to do this three times a day. This simple practice is a way to begin accepting yourself with having to change anything.

To experience ourselves fully, we must allow all that is present to be experienced and to do this we must stay physically present in our bodies. When we run away from, avoid or resist our experience, including the sensation of shame in our bodies, we force ourselves into powerlessness. Resisting emotion creates endless suffering, and welcoming it is the path to inner peace and feeling more at ease with yourself. 

Experiencing the sensation of shame feels vulnerable. It’s hard, but it only last a few moments if you stay with it. Vulnerability offers relief from having to hide from any parts of yourself. This is the source of freedom and empowerment. As you begin to accept all the parts of yourself, you’ll become comfortable sharing yourself with the world and being vulnerable with others. 

Today I am practicing body awareness. Being with the 7-year-old part of me that needs to be reminded that she is smart and she is lovable. I don’t want to run away from her or desert her. I don’t want to distract myself or numb away the shame. It’s a reminder that I need to question the negative self-thoughts as I notice them. It’s an opportunity to give myself love.

As adults, we can offer care and compassion to the parts of us that are still hurting. 

Writing helps me do this. It gives me a safe place to uncover the tender, scared, ashamed parts that are crying out for love. It helps move the shame through my body and on to the paper. Creativity, nature, and movement are other ways to move the emotional energy while also giving yourself the gift of awareness. 

Give yourself the love you needed then. Tell yourself the thing you’ve been waiting hear. You can be the one that does that for yourself.

You are magnificent dear one.

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you.Are you caught in shame? Have you discovered how to move through it? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

The Self Integrity of Boundaries

You planned on meditating this morning. Then your text notifications started dinging. The dishwasher needed to be unloaded. Your email inbox was overflowing. Your partner asked you to schedule an appointment. Your daughter needed her uniform washed for a game this afternoon. The dog needed his walk. Then you were late for work. 

Believe it or not, we don’t have to be available for everyone, all the time.

Having clear and healthy boundaries is the driving force behind self-care. We are each in charge of protecting our own needs and energy outputs. There’s a myth that women believe, that we are supposed to do it all and do it perfectly.  We fear the consequences to our relationships if we set boundaries. We fear being judged or of hurting someone’s feelings. So, we sacrifice ourselves for other people.

How could we know how to set boundaries? We didn’t get any instruction on this nor did we have this modeled for us. 

There are many benefits to setting and holding clear and healthy boundaries:

• Boundaries create healthy relationships where other people respect and care about your needs and feelings. 

• Boundaries increase your self-esteem and personal power.

• Boundaries reduce stress, anxiety, overwhelm and fatigue.

• Boundaries help establish and protect your identity as an individual.

• Boundaries help you become a more understanding person, a better friend and partner.

• Boundaries are crucial for our mental health and wellbeing.

Becoming a boundary ninja requires having the courage to love ourselves even when it means we might disappoint someone.

A boundary is the clear line that declares your truth – asking for what you need, making your own decisions based on what you want, saying “no” when you need to, standing up for yourself, and not feeling responsible for how someone else reacts or feels. It also means not sacrificing your needs to please someone else.

The myth about doing it all and doing it all well is pervasive with the women entrepreneurs I work with. These are women who are daughters, sisters, wives, friends, mothers, aunties, business owners and employers. A lot of people to potentially feel responsible for. These are women who have pushed themselves hard to create and I honor them for that. These are the women who are the change makers and the world needs them. These are also the women who tell me they ended up in the hospital on an IV because they got dehydrated. Or are working when they have a fever. These women know they need to meditate but they just cannot find the time (and then beat themselves up for it.) They take care of everyone and everything before they take care of themselves. And they rarely ask for help.

I know this pattern well because I was one of these women. This was my strategy for decades until I got so depleted that I just couldn’t do it anymore.

To identify the signs that you may need to hone your boundary declaring skills, tune into your body and your emotions. If you feel resentful, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, not appreciated, or being taken advantage of, you may need to reevaluate your commitments for how you have not been clear enough with yourself about your needs. When our needs are perpetually denied, we can tend to feel angry with the very people who we are prioritizing over ourselves. Conversely, when we make ourselves and our needs a priority, we have the energy bandwidth and emotional capacity to be kinder and more compassionate.

Over committing to please or rescue others means we sacrifice ourselves and this eventually wears us down.  This striving, whether it shows up as trying to be a supermom, overachieving at work, or volunteering on multiple committees, is how women tend to overcompensate for the insecurity or unworthiness they feel, seeking validation through external accomplishments. 

Saying “No, I can’t do that,” can feel incredibly uncomfortable as we begin to practice honoring our boundaries. Choosing to feel that discomfort in the moment is an act of self-care in the long term.

Start practicing boundary setting in small ways:

• Protect your time by saying no to the things you don’t want to do or don’t have time for.

• Practice saying, “My plate is full.”

• Say yes to accepting help and support from family, friends, and co-workers.

• Say thank you to compliments.

• Stop apologizing for who you are.

• Stop feeling guilty about your needs.

• Speak up if something feels uncomfortable.

• Put yourself first – even if just once every day.

If it’s been a while since you honored your own needs, you may not even know what you want. You can get back in touch with yourself. Begin today by doing that one thing you keep putting off because you’ve been making everyone else a priority – take that walk out in nature, write in your journal, take a bath. Reconnect with your body to get in touch with what you truly want. The reward – your self-awareness and sense of identity will grow.

We are each responsible for our own happiness, our own choices, and our own feelings. Believe that you are okay, that you are enough, just the way you are. You need not be or do anything to be worthy of love and acceptance. 

The benefits of boundaries are huge – you get to live a life where you are choosing your own happiness.

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you.What boundaries, physical or emotional, are you needing to get clearer about? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

The Courage to Live from the Inside Out

I found myself unable to write last week. As I sat with this and felt the inertia, the realization dawned that there was a level of vulnerability I was feeling, about my need to write something that would be profound and impactful. The pressure of it felt like an impenetrable wall. 

During a dinner conversation with friends, in which we were discussing our shared belief that we feel compelled to make a difference in the world, I recognized another pressure. The one where I tell myself that my worth is squarely centered in my ability to help others. I got curious about this – is this belief creating more joy and freedom for me? The answer was both yes and no. Yes, when I can sense a positive shift from a client or student. Also, no, because it’s a tremendous amount of self-induced performance pressure. 

I continued to be curious.

What if making a difference begins with me?

What if saving the world means we save ourselves first? 

What if what we need to save is how we create our own suffering with our thoughts?

I recalled an important lesson learned last year while I was on a spiritual quest in Mexico. That the important work I need to do in this lifetime is to save myself. I need to serve my own inner peace first. My writing need only be for healing myself. This might sound selfish at first glance. But if we don’t love ourselves, we are incapable of truly loving or helping another. If we don’t live from our own authenticity and magnificence, then we aren’t offering who we truly are to the world. Without this authenticity, our way of being in the world is one that was manufactured by the mind–most likely for recognition, reassurance, power, fame and followers.

This felt apt for me to write about this week.  To write for myself first and foremost and then maybe, just maybe it will be helpful for someone else. But that cannot be why I am writing it. I have no control over how my work should or could impact another. That’s not my business.

This kind of self-integrity requires courage. Way more courage than minding my editorial calendar. We are so programmed to view everything we do and say from the perspective of how it will be perceived by others. It takes immense courage to live from the inside out. To admit to ourselves where we need to do our own work. This is vulnerable and vulnerability is scary because it risks being seen as we truly are, with our faults and insecurities and weaknesses. 

We must risk being socially exposed to be true to ourselves. This requires showing up and being seen instead of staying safe behind a shield of protective armor or a mask that only shows how we want the world to perceive us. 

Our real work is about revealing ourselves as we truly are, not just the outside but who we are on the inside. The parts of us that are messy and broken. 

Courage is required for this work of living in integrity and alignment with the true self. The root of the word courage is “cor”—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage originally meant “To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.”

Can I risk sharing my heart? Can I not?

If being courageous means having the ability to do something that frightens us, then somehow, we need to find a way to be okay with feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. That shows the most courage of all!

As I moved through this landscape of noticing, being curious and feeling scared to show up and be seen in this vulnerable way, putting my writing out there just for me, even though it might be criticized and admitting my own raw and tender beliefs, I watched my avoidance tendencies. It was quite entertaining to observe all the ways I was avoiding just sitting down and writing. So many things that required immediate research on the computer. Emails that I just had to respond to right away. Cleaning. Calendar organization. Meal planning. Organizing my closet. List making. More research. I was avoiding by doing!

Think of something that you really want to do but are avoiding it because it feels scary. In what ways do you avoid by distracting yourself? 

3 Ways to Build Courage

1) Stay With Your Fear

For me, I must stop the doing, just sit down and quiet my mind. Try this with me. 

Find a comfortable place to sit. Now just observe the sensation of your breath coming in and out through your nostrils. Feel your breath expand into your lungs and belly. Notice the rise of your body with the inhale, the sinking and relaxing with the exhale. If you get distracted at any point, bring your attention back to your breath and how it feels coming in and going out. 

Bring your attention deeper inside to your inner body. Keep breathing. Now notice any fear, anxiety or tension that you might be feeling. Where you are feeling it in your body? Pay attention to the physical sensation of it–the shape, the intensity. Keep your attention on it and ALLOW it. Don’t panic and run away from it by allowing your mind to get distracted. Keep breathing into that area until the sensation starts to shift. It might start to feel like it is getting softer or larger in size. Sit with this until you feel the sensation move through and out of your body and you sense a new level of relaxation and peace take its place.  

Sitting with ourselves in this way and allowing emotion to move through requires courage. When we do the courageous act of acknowledging and allowing fear, we are pointing ourselves in the direction of truth and freedom. It is from this place of truth that we can put our true authentic selves out in the world, even when it feels vulnerable. 

2) Acknowledge Your Acts of Bravery 

Allowing fear and building courage so that we can speak our mind and show our hearts demands being compassionate with ourselves.  Self-encouragement is critical to being courageous. Acknowledge and celebrate how you are bravely showing up in your life – every single day. We all demonstrate bravery every day. We deal with a variety of obstacles and a multitude of fears as a part of our daily lives. And for the most part, we dismiss our ability to overcome these as not worthy of acknowledgement. What I’ve learned is that recognizing bravery, no matter how insignificant the situation may seem to you, is empowering. It fuels self-confidence as well as personal and professional power.  

3) Seek Encouragement and Support

It is incredibly helpful to have the support and encouragement of a friend or mentor. Deliberately surround yourself with people who inspire you and believe in you. Share your vulnerabilities and ask for help in doing the important thing that feels scary. Being vulnerable in relationships creates deeper connection and inspires others to be vulnerable and courageous also. I keep a list of my support team and on days when it feels like life is too much for me to handle alone, I reach out. Getting support is a self-loving act.

We must start putting our work out in the world regardless of how imperfect we might think it is. We’ll screw up and that’s okay—actually, more than okay because it gives us the opportunity to feel vulnerable while also seeing that the world didn’t end because of it. This is how we build courage and get rid of the armor and the perfectionism that are the obstacles to living authentically, from the inside out. Don’t allow your scars to act as tough, resistant guards against future damage. Life shapes us. Let the world see the magnificence of who you truly are. 

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you. In what ways are you showing the world your vulnerabilities? How are you pressuring yourself to be something you’re not? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Work is Love Made Visible

Taking Your Place as a Change Maker

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These are the words of Kahlil Gibran from his poem “On Work” from The Prophet.

Gibran’s writings gained popularity in the 1960s and 1970s during the counterculture movement, which responded to his lyrical language and mystical treatment of such subjects as love, death, nature and longing. When I was questioning the meaning of life in my 20’s, The Prophet was a guidebook for me. 

 The synchronistic circle of life is a marvel. My tatter torn copy of The Prophet disappeared during one of my many house shares and moves over the past decades. Then today, during a heartful conversation with a dear friend about how vital meaningful work is to our happiness and fulfillment, she reminded me that “work is love made visible.”

So many people feel anything from mild discomfort to miserable about their work. In our 20’s we embody an idealistic vision of how the world can be and believe in our ability to change it. Then for so many of us, we sacrifice those dreams and too often our values, and hunker down to the work of responsibility and survival. Often until years later when life catapults us into a life transition that forces a reflection on our place in the cosmos. 

If you believe that your work should be a daily slog so you can pay your bills, think again. Your work is your service to the world. What you deeply love and are passionate about, made visible to the world, connecting your life purpose with your work.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, said, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” Purpose is a self-organizing central life theme that guides how we prioritize the actions we take and how we impact the world. We want to know our lives have meaning and that we matter. Whether our unique gift is to inspire, teach, support, encourage, uplift, transform, or create, the energy of it drives our goals and creates meaning. 

 These are the 5 key categories of what really matters to human beings:

1.     Growth – The desire to become better humans

2.     Happiness – Feeling excited to get out of bed in the morning

3.     Abundance – Leading a lifestyle where you FEEL you have an abundance of goodness

4.     Significance – Feeling important, like you are making a difference

5.     Meaning – Knowing you are giving back to humanity

We spend anaverage of 90,000 to 125,000 hours at work during the course of our lifetime. Is your work fulfilling these 5 critical human needs? Life purpose is one of the greatest predictors of life satisfaction.

If you’re ready to make a change in your work so that’s it’s more aligned with your purpose and what deeply matters to you, create a strategy of small, deliberate steps. Although there are exceptions, most people aren’t ready to make a change in one giant leap. Build a mound of tiny and big steps forward with many experiments to discover what you love.

1.    Assess your life and work values. What are you guiding values? Your values guide your way of being in the world and the beliefs that you hold most important. Your values are what you hold true above everything else, and give you direction. If you find you’re getting stuck figuring out exactly what meaningful work is for you, your guiding values can help. 

2.    Lay out your potential options and directions. There is no one idea for your life. All of us have more than one life in us and the average is 3.4. There are multiple great designs of your life so generate lots of crazy ideas. We tend to choose better when we have lots of good ideas to select from.

3.    Create your 100-day plan. Every day commit to making one tiny action toward a new beginning. Even if you don’t know where you’re going. Ask a friend or colleague to support you and hold you accountable.

4.    Give yourself permission to explore any little thing you’re curious about and start launching little projects. Start a blog or a podcast. Design an app. Write a poem. Weave a rug. Create a collage of your bucket list. Learn to play the guitar. Literally anything is okay! The only rule is that it brings you joy, engages and energizes you.

5.    Innovate 3 Real Alternative Lives

• Create a six-word title for each.

• Write three questions for each around what would you want to investigate, test and explore about each alternative (geography, experience, impacts of this alternative, what your life will look like, what your role will be, what training might be required.)

• For each, gauge your resources (time, money, skill, contacts,) likability (rate how it feels in your body–negative or positive,) your confidence level, coherence (consistency with your values.)

1)   Life One – This is centered on what you’ve already got in mind–either your current life expanded forward or that hot idea you’ve been nursing.

2)   Life Two – That thing you would do if Life One were suddenly gone.

3)   Life Three – The thing you would do or life you’d live if money or image were no object – you knew no one would laugh at you or think less of you for doing it.  (This should be a little bit wild, far-fetched and crazy.)

Explore your alternatives. Find someone who is living this life and set up a time to chat. This is someone who is doing what you’re contemplating or has real experience and expertise in an area about which you have questions. This will give you an opportunity to get a glimpse of what this path might feel like. Gather the story of how that person got to be doing that work and what it’s really like to do what he or she does.

Research has shown that meaningfulness comes from being a “giver.” If you aren’t ready to make a change in your work, yet you want to amplify the meaning and fulfillment level, cultivate your acts of giving. Meaning is premised on an entirely different way of interacting–that is, giving to others in service of the “greater good.” Find ways to innovate your role and workplace so it feeds your soul in ways that matter most to you.

This is how work becomes love made visible.

I believe in you.

Tricia

BEGIN THE IMPORTANT WORK OF YOUR LIFE: 

Schedule a free 30-minute consult. Are you ready to live into your full potential? Let’s talk about what needs to change for you to do that. Schedule a complimentary 30-min consultation here:  Schedule Your Discovery Session

Email us if you would like to receive a free copy of our Purpose & Passion Worksheet. coaching@triciaacheatel.com

Upcoming articles:

• Authentic Leadership

• Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

• The Significance of Your Brand: The Impact You Are Making Through Your Work

• The Self Integrity of Boundaries: Honoring Your Own Values

• Creating a Culture that Changes Lives

• What are the Next Right Steps When You Feel Afraid or Unsure?

I would love to hear from you. What defines meaningful work? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

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Tricia Acheatel has been supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for over 30 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical mindset and business development tools that teach women how to find the courage to live their authentic and brilliant lives. 

From her combined experience – as a corporate executive, business owner and coach, herbalist/healer, life coach, author, life designer, success team leader, and teacher – Tricia brings wisdom, intuition, compassion, and clarity to her work. Her clients and students access newfound clarity, resilience, freedom, inspiration, and the knowledge necessary to launch their dreams.

Are You Holding Yourself Back and Playing Small?

I used to think it would motivate me if I noticed and reminded myself of everything I was doing wrong – how I was falling short, how I could do better, what I could have said differently. You know, replaying past scenarios over and over in my mind to punctuate how I fell short. I didn’t waste time either, anytime was a good time to remind myself. 

It didn’t work. Oh, I definitely got results and was successful, but at a cost. Not allowing myself to believe in how powerful I truly am, kept me drained, flat, unhappy, and well, small. 

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

Nelson Mandela

 Are you living a life “less than the one you are capable of”? 

 These are some common ways we keep ourselves small. See if any sound familiar to you.

•  Deny compliments and don’t allow yourself to believe them

• Discount successes so you don’t feel too good about yourself

• Fear of appearing egotistical if you talk about your strengths

• Shrink yourself energetically so that other people will feel more comfortable around you

• Put yourself down when talking to other people

• Feel you don’t deserve the things you want or dream about

• Stay in relationships and jobs that aren’t making you happy

• Feel like the world is against you

• Avoid conflict

• Procrastinate the very things that will get you closer to your dreams

• Mindlessly browse the web

• Compare yourself to anyone who you perceive is better in some way 

• Seek approval and validation from others

• Tend to be a perfectionist

• Compare yourself to others to see how you fall short or appear better

• Feel like you never fit in

• Feel invisible

• Don’t speak up if it might upset someone

When we spend our energy finding all the ways we aren’t good enough, we don’t have the energy to follow what fascinates and energizes us. We don’t have the capacity to follow our bliss.

I coach brilliant women. Women who are dedicated, smart and committed to making a difference in the world. Yet they are stuck and don’t feel ready to take on that next big thing because they are focused on how they aren’t good enough more than how they are enough. So, they are waiting until they feel ready. 

Ten ways to own your magnificence and stop playing small

1. Don’t wait until you are ready. Don’t wait until what you are creating is perfect. Don’t wait until you get permission. Jump in and learn as you go. Perfect is the enemy of done. Good is good enough.

2. Remember that failure is essential to success. Instead of trying to avoid making mistakes and failing, successful people actively seek opportunities where they can face the limits of their skills and knowledge so that they can learn quickly. They understand that feeling afraid or underprepared is a sign of being in the space for optimal growth and is all the more reason to press ahead. Failures mean that you are putting yourself out there! The most significant accomplishments always arise out of failures. 

3. Believe in your big dream and commit to it. Decide once and for all that you are going to do this, starting now.

4. Envision the outcome. Imagine what your dream, whether it’s a promotion, a new career or a business you want to launch or grow, will look like and feel like as specifically as you can. Feel it and experience it has if it’s already happened.

5. Notice your inner critic, the voice that is telling you all the reasons you can’t do it, aren’t ready or qualified enough. Then do it anyway. That voice is trying to keep you safe and it’s time for you to give it a pat on the shoulder and say, “It’s okay, I’ve got this.” Isn’t your happiness worth taking the risk of going after what you want despite the voice that is trying to keep you small?

6. Let go of needing to be the good girl that makes everyone else happy. It’s time for you to do what you need to do, even if it doesn’t please everyone. You cannot sacrifice your genius to make someone else happy, it never works.

7. Get comfortable with discomfort. Anything important that makes us stretch and growth has an element of discomfort and fear associated with it. Staying comfortable will not get you what you want. Fear is normal when you are stretching, so feel the fear and do it anyway.

8. Break the big goals down into small actionable steps that you can get done easily and enjoy doing. If it feels too daunting, break it down into smaller steps.

9. Celebrate every step (and I mean EVERY step!) that you complete. Reward yourself with things you love that delight your senses – listen to music or the birds singing outside, watch the clouds or the sunset, smell flowers, snuggle with your dog, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, take a bath, get a hug. This step is essential to keeping that critical voice quiet as well as rejuvenating and recharging you.

10. Avoid comparing yourself to anyone else. No one, and I mean no one has your unique array of gifts, talents and experiences. So just do YOU. There’s nobody alive who can be you better than you. So never aim to be just like someone else. It’s a waste of a perfectly good you.

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr. Seuss

 Whether you’re posting your artwork online, telling a friend the truth of how you feel even though she may get angry or hurt, raising your hand to speak up in meetings, expressing your needs to your partner, showing your kids that you value yourself enough to take time for you, or self-publishing that book you’ve been working on, these acts of bravery will build your self-confidence. 

Playing small doesn’t serve the world. You were born for greatness. You were born with unique and beautiful gifts. Don’t wait until you’re ready. The world needs you now.

I believe in you.

Tricia

* * * * *

BEGIN THE IMPORTANT WORK OF YOUR LIFE: 

Schedule a free 30-minute consult. Are you ready to live into your full potential? Let’s talk about what needs to change for you to do that. Schedule a complimentary 30-min consultation here:  Schedule Your Discovery Session

Upcoming articles:

• Authentic Leadership

• Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

• The Impact of Your Brand

• The Self Integrity of Boundaries

• Creating a Culture that Changes Lives

I would love to hear from you. Please share your comments below. In what ways are you holding yourself back? What would it look like for you to play big?

You can respond below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Tricia Acheatel has been supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for over 30 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical mindset and business development tools that teach women how to find the courage to live their authentic and brilliant lives. 

From her combined experience – as a corporate executive, business owner and coach, herbalist/healer, life coach, author, life designer, success team leader, and teacher – Tricia brings wisdom, intuition, compassion, and clarity to her work. Her clients and students access newfound clarity, resilience, freedom, inspiration, and the knowledge necessary to launch their dreams.

The WHY of Your Core Motivation

Life Envisioning for 2019 – Part 4 of 4

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It probably won’t come as a surprise to you when I tell you that pushing yourself to be motivated doesn’t work. Any of us can remember committing to being healthier, exercising more, losing weight, daily meditation, or cutting back on social media, and being better for a while but then falling off. So, we revert into our old patterns and feel defeated. Only to feel like things will never change.

How might this year be the one that is different, the year that you create what you most desire? 

Human beings have an average of about 70,000 thoughts per day. Some 90% of them are the same thoughts as the day before. The same thoughts create the same choices which yield the same behaviors, the same experiences and ultimately the same emotions. It’s easy to see then why if we don’t change our thoughts, it becomes very hard to change our lives.

When considering your goals for 2019, let’s examine your core motivation, the deep desire within you that is yearning for a different emotional experience of life. This is your why.

Thinking about being motivated doesn’t create motivation.

Let’s first establish the foundational principles of behavioral change:

·      Our thoughts are the language of the brain.

·      Our feelings are the language of the body and describe how we are experiencing life. The body is the emotional barometer that shows us our thoughts. 

·      Felt emotion comes from thought. 

·      New experience is a result of our behavior matching our intention. 

·      Our established identity and its associated beliefs change when we think in new ways.

Neuroscience research has shown that when we create an emotional feeling state that matches what we desire, we create the neural hardware in the brain that makes the action automatic when practiced over and over. So rather than thinking ourselves into motivation, we must experience the feeling of what we desire as if it has already happened. This then creates the neural pathways in the brain that will facilitate the necessary action steps.

We feel the way we think and we think the way we feel. To change yourself or your life, the thought must be combined with the felt emotion in the body of what you most desire – inspiration, abundance, worthiness, empowerment, love, wealth, success, health, wholeness, or whatever it is you yearn for. 

There are four critical steps:  

1)   Get clear about WHY you desire this outcome. This is the deep emotional connection to the outcome. For example, let’s say you want to lose 20 pounds. You might say that you want this because you want to look good for your high school reunion. Let’s go deeper. Why do you want to look good for your high school reunion? Perhaps it’s because you want to feel accepted in way that you never were in high school. What would that feel like for you? Getting to the deeper why allows you to access the feeling state that you are desiring from achieving the goal.

2)   Imagine the outcome. We must believe in the future that we cannot yet see. Accessing the feeling of what you most desire builds the neural hardware in your brain as if it has already happened. To convince your body emotionally of the health, wealth, career, relationship, or joy that you desire, you must believe in this outcome. Imagine what it will be like, look like, and how it will feel. Ask yourself questions like “What would it be like?” Have an image – a new job, a new house, a new relationship, new level of health and vitality, etc. – of what it will look like when you achieve your goal. This allows the brain to create a hologram for it. When we visualize, mentally rehearse and emotionally embrace a future event, we convince the body emotionally, which signals genes in new ways and shifts our epigenetics.

Timothy Gallwey’s book “Inner Game of Tennis,” published in 1974, though based on an exploration of the metaphysics of sports, articulates the essential principles at the core of this theory.

“In every human endeavor, there are two arenas of engagement: the outer and the inner,” Gallwey writes. “The outer game is played on an external arena to overcome external obstacles to reach an external goal. The inner game takes place within the mind of the player and is played against such obstacles as fear, self-doubt, lapses in focus, and limiting concepts or assumptions. The inner game is played to overcome the self-imposed obstacles that prevent an individual or team from accessing their full potential.”

3)   Understanding the obstacles that might get in your way. This involves connecting to the thoughts that bring you back to the same obstacles you had last year, and every prior year that blocked you from achieving your goal. We talk ourselves out of greatness. When we are aware of the thoughts that revert us back to our old selves, we can catch them so they never slip by unnoticed. 

4)   Make slow steady progress.Build on small wins. Practice and repetition turns neural pathways into neural superhighways and this recreates who we are. Literally we are changing who we are neurologically which means we make new choices, create new behaviors and have new experiences that produce new emotions. The brain responds to repetition, imagery and emotion. Encourage and remind yourself every day: “I am worth it!” “I can do this!” This type of self-encouragement helps us to unlearn our past emotions and biologically dismantle our old self.

When the mind and the body are working as one, nothing external can deter you from what you most desire.

What is the accomplishment you want to be celebrating at the end of 2019? 

I believe in you.

Tricia

* * * * *

Upcoming articles:

·      Your Zone of Genius

·      Authentic Leadership

·      How to Stop Playing Small

·      Overcome Imposter Syndrome

·      The Impact of Your Brand

·      The Self Integrity of Boundaries

·      Creating a Culture that Changes Lives

I would love to hear from you. Was this article helpful? What do you most desire? What obstacles are standing in your way? Are there any questions that are plaguing you that I can help with? I love creating helpful content. 

You can respond below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com.

Tricia Acheatel has been supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for over 30 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical mindset and business development tools that teach women how to find the courage to live their authentic and brilliant lives. 

From her combined experience – as a corporate executive, business owner and coach, herbalist/healer, life coach, author, life designer, success team leader, and teacher – Tricia brings wisdom, intuition, compassion, and clarity to her work. Her clients and students access newfound clarity, resilience, freedom, inspiration, and the knowledge necessary to launch their dreams.

Reflections from “A Wrinkle in Time”: Embracing Your Uniqueness

The new Disney film, A Wrinkle in Time, based on the 1962 novel of the same name by Madeleine L’Engle is a touching messenger for contemporary women’s issues.  Although the film wasn’t entirely sufficient at merging the fantastical special effects with the subtlety of the emotional struggle, there was a lot to like about it. The touching performances, particularly from the young actors, the inclusive themes and the inspiring messages are all reasons for everyone to see this film. I was touched by the poignant connection between the struggles of the young protagonist and the recurrent themes I encounter with women seeking more confidence and purpose.

The storyline is based on Meg Murray, a homely and awkward but kind, high school-aged girl who is transported on an adventure through time and space with her younger brother and friend to rescue her father from evil forces that have held him prisoner on another planet for four years.  Meg’s journey is guided by three astral travelling celestial beings, known as Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which. The overarching moral is the battle between good and evil, between light and dark, and the ultimate triumph of love.  Mrs. Who usually speaks in quotations from famous thinkers and writers because she finds it too difficult to craft her own sentences. One of my favorites by Rumi – “The wound is a place where light enters you.”

This film gives girls a superhero they can relate to. Additionally, are the five key lessons that Meg learns from the road of trials that she must endure for deliverance into self-acceptance.

·      In a world that values similarity and conformity, we must overcome the need to fit in and learn to appreciate and value our own uniqueness.

·      We must go through pain and challenge to know who we truly are.

·      We each have faults ­that we must learn to accept and ultimately channel in our service to the world. Meg’s faults included anger, impatience, and lack of self-confidence.

·      The inadequacy of words. Communication is through other means than language–verbal speech is not the only way we can share our thoughts and feelings and the sheer power of love is a felt transmission of meaning.

·      We cannot know everything and that’s okay.

These universal lessons are the basis of living a life of service and purpose. 

Many of us don’t feel like we comfortably fit into social norms–because we look different, feel out of place, see ourselves as less-than, and often feel misunderstood–we hide our true selves so that no one will know that we’re different. In A Wrinkle in Time, Meg feels awkward and out of place in high school. She is bullied by her next-door neighbor, fights with her peers, and is sent to the principal's office for her behavior. Meg confides to her mother that she hates being so different and wishes she could just be like everyone else.

How often we, especially women, seek the approval of others to feel valued.

·      We do everything we can to conform to the main stream standards of beauty and fashion

·      We seek partners who give us a sense of completion and self-worth

·      We choose careers that will provide a worthy sense of identity

·      We make money to buy things in our quest for happiness

·      We do everything for everyone else, ignoring our own needs and neglecting self-care

As Meg learned, to successfully rescue her father and then her brother from the evil “IT,” she must claim her faults as strengths and love herself so that she can access the power to overcome.

The world needs our individuality, our unique perspective and creativity. We aren’t meant to fit in. We are here to excel at becoming the most authentic version of ourselves. What makes us authentic are our unique talents, interests, opinions, emotions, values, strengths, expressions, and yes, our faults too. The value we add to the world is the extraordinary blend of these qualities and how they characterize us. The pain and challenges of our life represent our own hero’s journey of self-acceptance.  

When we can embrace our faults, accept that we are enough exactly as we are, we can open to the language of love. When we can accept our imperfections, stop needing to be perfect or know everything, we can view the world through an attitude of openness and nonjudgement.

In the final scene, because of her newfound self-acceptance, Meg’s openness allows her to see the pain of self-judgement that drives her bully. She then, and without words, transmits love which allows the bully to accept herself.

Isn’t this exactly what the world needs?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tricia Acheatel is an expert on women’s empowerment, supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for the past 27 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical tools. Tricia is the author of Rooted in Purpose: Overcoming Self-doubt and Pursuing Your Life’s Calling, now in paperback. In the book, she guides women on an exhilarating journey to a deeper sense of self and purpose. More than ever before in history, it is time for women to step into leadership positions and be equal partners in the decision-making process. You can find her at www.triciaacheatel.com and www.rootedinpurpose.com