True Self as a Spiritual Practice

I admit that I read more self-help than the average person, yet It seems like in the past couple of years, the notion of the “true self” is being referred to more frequently. This might be because we are longing for a connection to something stable amidst what sometimes feels like world chaos?

Deepak Chopra says, “The true self isn't a familiar term to most people, although it is close to what religion calls your soul, the purest part of yourself.”

The concept of the true self was introduced in 1960 by Donald Winnicott, who used “true self” to describe a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience, and a feeling of being alive, having a real self. The false self, by contrast, Winnicott saw as a defensive façade.

Since I have made the pursuit of the true self my life’s work, I wanted to write about what it means to me. After working with clients over the past 30 years that span 4 decades in ages, a broad range of geographic location and nationality and a relative 70:30 percent gender ratio, with women representing the majority, my experience is that most of us don’t really know who we are. 

We don’t know that makes us unique and special and how truly magnificent and powerful we are. Most of us are operating through life from a societal or false self that was formed through cultural and familial adaptation.  

In a session today with a client, he spoke of wanting to be himself as a leader, to not be forced or unnatural. One of his senior executives had advised him to “do you.” How exactly do we “do” us?

These are some broad principles that I have found to be universal in living according to the true self:

• It begins with accepting yourself; knowing your strengths, values, and limitations and then living and leading from that place.

• It means being in integrity with yourself and not molding yourself to gain approval or avoid conflict. You’re either in integrity with yourself or you’re not. This requires making moment by moment choices from what feels true and authentic to you and you alone.

• You don’t worry about pleasing other people or live according to someone else’s standards or rules.  

Thomas Merton, one of the most influential Catholic authors of the 20th century refers to the true self, “not as the ego self that wants to inflate us, not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self planted in us by the God who made us in God's own image–the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.”

Your true self is the essence of who you are, your pure identity that existed before birth, before any environmental influences or social conditioning. This self defines your unique quirks, longings, predilections, reactions and forms your uniqueness and individuality. Your true self is not changed or affected by how you were parented, who you were raised by or where you grew up. This is the part of you that must guide you towards your destiny and your joy. 

Contrarily, your other self, or the societal self, has developed because of social conditioning and the process of adapting to the expectations of family, teachers, and peers. This is the part of us that needs to be accepted for our very survival. As babies, our survival depends on the adults that care for us and to ensure that care, we modify ourselves for maximum acceptance. Human babies are born knowing that their very survival depends on the good will of the grown-ups around them. Because of this, we are literally designed to please others. 

The formation of our societal selves also builds the skills we need to effectively function within cultural norms – we learn how to speak correctly, be polite, share our toys, keep personal hygiene, dress appropriately, raise our hands in class, wait for our turn – the appropriate behaviors that will earn social approval. Our societal selves are critical to our ability to reach goals like completing a degree or landing a job. The societal self is the part of you that craved being told she was being “good.” The issue is that this people pleasing extends into adulthood and when the societal self dominates and the true self no longer has a voice, it gets lost and forgotten.

As Martha Beck says in Finding Your Own North Star, “Your essential self was the part of you that smiled for the first time as a baby. Your social self is the part of you that noticed how much your mother loved that smile. Your essential self wants passionately to become a doctor; the social self struggles through organic chemistry and applies to medical school. Your essential self yearns for time in nature; your social self buys the right hiking shoes. “ 

Typically, the societal self is the one in the driver’s seat, and the true self doesn’t even make it into the car. The societal self has dominated for so long, making choices according to what is most socially acceptable, that the true self can’t even be heard. That is until a cataclysmic life event happens which causes the societal self to collapse and then we are forced into questioning the choices we are making in our lives. Why wait for a cataclysmic life event?

The suppression of the true self is why almost every woman I have worked with has ultimately sought help. Often for years, they have been feeling dissatisfaction with life which has not shifted despite the perseverance at being a better person, taking yoga classes, eating a healthier diet, volunteering, and taking on more responsibility at work. Striving to be even more acceptable only makes things worse as it fuels the internal conflict between the true self’s need to pursue core longings and the societal self’s requirement not to upset anyone. The dissatisfaction eventually turns to restlessness, anxiety, numbness, self-doubt, even despair. 

If our life choices and behaviors are motivated by the desire to keep another person happy, we will lose the connection with our true self. Without that connection, it’s not possible to be deeply happy. Our culture teaches us how to create the external structures for success–education, career, income, home, car, image–yet we have confused these as the means to happiness. When we don’t find happiness, we try to make changes to our external world. True happiness arises from a connection with our true selves and the honoring of what our hearts yearn for, what brings us joy and fills us with awe.

Betraying yourself is selling your soul. So how do we calm down our societal self so that we can hear what the true self is screaming for? 

We must get out of the thoughts about our past that are causing us suffering and experience life in this moment, using our bodies as the navigational tool to instruct our direction. When the needle on the body compass points to joy, go there. When the needle points to suffering, it’s time to reevaluate your motivation.

Moment by moment we can keep returning to who we would have been without the pretense of who we think we should be.  

The whisperings of the true self are heard through the body. If you’ve been denying your own needs and desires to please other people or seek their approval, hearing what your true self is asking for may take some practice. It begins with choosing to make yourself a priority, accepting yourself exactly as you are, and every day giving yourself the gift of being silent so that you can quiet your mind and listen to your true self. It’s time to listen.

We have the choice of two identities: the external mask which seems to be real...and the hidden, inner person who seems to us to be nothing, but who can give himself eternally to the truth in whom he subsists.
― Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

I believe in you.

Tricia

I would love to hear from you.In what ways are you being true to yourself today? Please share your comments below .

Overcoming the Shame of Mistakes

I really blew it this morning. I sent the wrong intake form to a new client and when she pointed it out, the shame settled into my gut. In fact, it took up all the space between my heart and my gut. It took over my mind with negative thoughts of how I would never earn her trust, how stupid I am and always have been, how I shouldn’t be doing this work because it’s not okay to make that kind of mistake. I became my 7-year-old self who didn’t understand math and her exasperated father couldn’t comprehend why I wasn’t able to get something so simple.

It is common for our emotional health to get damaged during childhood. A painful experience can shape our feelings of unworthiness and fuel the self-critical voice in our heads, even into adulthood. Our inner self-talk can be so painfully harsh. When we look at the root of what drives it, we find shame, the feeling that there’s something terribly wrong about us.

Childhood fractures are often centered around shame, the painful experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love. According to Lise Borbeau, author of Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self, there are five common types of wounding. These five types of wounding can show up in adults as:

• Fear of abandonment or fear of being alone

• Fear of rejection which can prevent us from accepting our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions

• Humiliation and fear of disapproval or criticism from others

• Betrayal or fear of trusting others

• Injustice, which leads to feelings of powerlessness. 

In my work with women, I typically see in equal measure the fear of rejection and the fear of humiliation as the most common causes of low self-esteem. Sadly, many women tell me how as children, they were told they were stupid, bad, overweight, not smart enough, high maintenance, needy, emotional, ridiculous, nonsensical, exhausting, selfish, spoiled, and disappointing.

It’s not hard to see how adult women might have internalized any of these messages and are now overcompensating to prove to the world that it isn’t true. Trying to do it all and do it all perfectly. 

Or not doing anything for fear of making a mistake– because a mistake would prove all the underlying negative beliefs. 

 Emotional fractures can lead us to armoring up in self-protection which can hinder our progress in life and block us from connecting with others as well as with ourselves. This armor comes from feeling ashamed of ourselves–our intelligence or our bodies–and needing to hide those messy parts of us. We don’t want to bring them out in the open for everyone to see how flawed we really are. This armor allows us to function in our lives and keeps us safe and hidden from the world but only to a point, until we make a mistake and then the shame bubbles up.

Creating mind-body awareness allows us to become the compassionate observer of the mind, body, and emotions. This isn’t about needing to fix anything, we are simply seeking to connect and learn.  Several times a day, take a few minutes to get quiet and bring your attention to your body. Then notice any physical sensations. You don’t need to do anything about them, you’re simply opening your awareness to them. You can set a timer to do this three times a day. This simple practice is a way to begin accepting yourself with having to change anything.

To experience ourselves fully, we must allow all that is present to be experienced and to do this we must stay physically present in our bodies. When we run away from, avoid or resist our experience, including the sensation of shame in our bodies, we force ourselves into powerlessness. Resisting emotion creates endless suffering, and welcoming it is the path to inner peace and feeling more at ease with yourself. 

Experiencing the sensation of shame feels vulnerable. It’s hard, but it only last a few moments if you stay with it. Vulnerability offers relief from having to hide from any parts of yourself. This is the source of freedom and empowerment. As you begin to accept all the parts of yourself, you’ll become comfortable sharing yourself with the world and being vulnerable with others. 

Today I am practicing body awareness. Being with the 7-year-old part of me that needs to be reminded that she is smart and she is lovable. I don’t want to run away from her or desert her. I don’t want to distract myself or numb away the shame. It’s a reminder that I need to question the negative self-thoughts as I notice them. It’s an opportunity to give myself love.

As adults, we can offer care and compassion to the parts of us that are still hurting. 

Writing helps me do this. It gives me a safe place to uncover the tender, scared, ashamed parts that are crying out for love. It helps move the shame through my body and on to the paper. Creativity, nature, and movement are other ways to move the emotional energy while also giving yourself the gift of awareness. 

Give yourself the love you needed then. Tell yourself the thing you’ve been waiting hear. You can be the one that does that for yourself.

You are magnificent dear one.

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you.Are you caught in shame? Have you discovered how to move through it? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Claiming Your Own Happiness

You’ve heard that saying, “happiness is a choice.” Though like other self-help statements, when we hear them, we understand the concept but have no idea how to do it. 

So how do we choose happiness? 

Our cultural belief is that in the pursuit and achievement of success we will find our happiness. However, from my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Shawn Achor, Harvard researcher and author of The Happiness Advantage has found that actually, pursuing happiness will lead to success.

There’s a large body of research in the field of positive psychology that has shown that happiness is a choice that anyone can make. 

According to psychologist Tom Stevens, Ph.D., happy people choose to make happiness one of their top goals in life. Stevens adds that, "The persons who become the happiest and grow the most are those who also make truth and their own personal growth primary values."

What I’ve noticed in my coaching work is that most of us are very committed to our thoughts. We believe them as if they are the gospel truth. Including the self-deprecating ones. We also believe that when we whip ourselves into self-improvement, we are pushing ourselves towards happiness.  If only I…lost weight…went to the gym more…found my true love….made more money….had more followers….was better at (you fill in the blank here,) then I will be happy.

What’s ironic is that one of the most effective pathways to happiness is through the mindfulness practices of letting go of our thoughts. This allows us to tap into the vast nothingness and peace within.

Meditation

Richard Davidson, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin, and Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, founder of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, co-authored a study on the effects of meditation on the brain. Activity on the left frontal area of the cerebral cortex coincided with feelings of happiness, enthusiasm, joy, and alertness. Activity on the right frontal area corresponded to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and worry. Their research demonstrated that meditation redistributes the balance between the left and right frontal areas and sparks more left-brain activity, thus stimulating positive emotion.

Try this with me for just a few moments. Sit down and close your eyes. Open your awareness with all your senses to the space around you. Just notice what you hear, smell, taste, and feel. Herbert Benson’s research at Harvard University found that opening awareness through the senses reduces stress hormones.

Being in the Now

Most of us tend to get so lost in our thoughts that we don’t have the mind space to notice happiness if it was standing right in front of us. This morning as I was out on my morning walk, it took the honking of a skein of Canada Geese flying over me to get out of my head. I was reminded that in every moment there is something to notice that can bring us joy. 

We need only to get out of our heads to experience the now. Yet most of the time we dwell in the past, rehashing old hurts, failures, and disappointments. Or we are in the future, worrying about the what ifs and worst case scenarios. Happiness is a now thing. You must be right here, right now, to experience it.

Self-Acceptance

Another key determinant of happiness is our level of self-acceptance. When we believe that we can only be happy if something about us is different, then we are viewing ourselves as flawed, rendering happiness unattainable. We all carry the residual scars from the past, we all have things to work on. Instead of seeing these as flaws, see them as what they are – the ways in which life has shaped you into becoming the person you are today. 

When we compare ourselves to others to see how we fall short, or judge ourselves as too fat or too skinny or not enough of something, we are self-berating and causing ourselves pain.

Find what you love and appreciate about yourself. Each of us has a unique set of gifts, talents and strengths, some we were born with, others the result of how life has formed us. Each new day is an opportunity to be a better human being, to learn and to grow. Accept who you are today and reach for how you want to be better, not because you’re flawed but because you want to discover your limitless potential for love and happiness. With the past behind you, and with all that you have learned from it, it’s time to accept who you are now.

Allow Yourself to Feel

Are you letting yourself be happy? Are you letting yourself feel the full depth of your life experience? Because if you are avoiding negative emotions, then you are also blocking your ability to feel positive ones too. 

Instead of numbing through food, alcohol, social media, or whatever your distraction might be, sit with negative emotion long enough to feel the pain of it move through your body. The sensation of emotion lasts about 90 seconds in the body if we allow it to move through us. If it lasts days, weeks, months, even years, then there’s a story we’ve been telling ourselves about it, most likely to prove the worst that we believe about ourselves. That’s the negativity bias in action. 

Feel the full range of your life experience. Feel it and then move on.

Gratitude

Cultivating positive thoughts improves our mood. One of the most effective ways to encourage a positive perspective is through practicing gratitude, or the appreciation of the simple things. This means focusing on the goodness that is already evident in life. 

Our brains are wired to look for what’s bad – as neuropsychologist Rick Hanson puts it, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” This "negativity bias" causes the brain to form stronger bad memories than good ones. We can counteract this negativity tendency by noticing, appreciating and feeling the sensations from the positive moments, no matter how small they may be. 

The practice of gratitude puts us in the state of receiving. Gratitude is a positive emotion that is felt after being the beneficiary of some sort of gift. It is a social emotion that is often directed towards a person (the giver of a gift), though it is also often felt towards a higher power. 

You can be the giver of that gift to yourself.

Daily Practice

Happiness is an inner experience that is yours to claim. Here’s a simple way to begin and end your day.

• When you first wake up in the morning, before you get out of bed or do anything (including checking your phone) ask yourself this question: “What is the greatest ideal of myself that I can be today?” Take a moment to teach your body the sensation of how you want to show up today. How do you want to BE, so that you can FEEL happy? Teaching your body in advance of the day will program your brain that it has already happened. Then affirm what you want to create and attract into your life – “I am healthy. I am prosperous. I am content. I am happy. I am loved.” Whatever you desire.

• The last 3 minutes before you fall asleep, instead of reviewing what went wrong in your day or tallying up everything that didn’t work out, or underscoring who you felt hurt by, program your subconscious brain with positivity and gratitude. Really feel the sensation of gratitude in your body by going through your day and giving thanks for everything that went easily and worked out on your behalf. Think of all the moments of connection, kindness and compassion from family, friends, co-workers, or neighbors. Remember the blessing of the warm water in your shower and the food that nourished you. Think of the beauty of nature as you drove home from work. Give thanks for your life.

Believe that you can feel happy. This is within your power. Believe in it, excavate it. It’s right there within you. 

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  Rumi

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you. What are you feeling grateful for? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

The Self Integrity of Boundaries

You planned on meditating this morning. Then your text notifications started dinging. The dishwasher needed to be unloaded. Your email inbox was overflowing. Your partner asked you to schedule an appointment. Your daughter needed her uniform washed for a game this afternoon. The dog needed his walk. Then you were late for work. 

Believe it or not, we don’t have to be available for everyone, all the time.

Having clear and healthy boundaries is the driving force behind self-care. We are each in charge of protecting our own needs and energy outputs. There’s a myth that women believe, that we are supposed to do it all and do it perfectly.  We fear the consequences to our relationships if we set boundaries. We fear being judged or of hurting someone’s feelings. So, we sacrifice ourselves for other people.

How could we know how to set boundaries? We didn’t get any instruction on this nor did we have this modeled for us. 

There are many benefits to setting and holding clear and healthy boundaries:

• Boundaries create healthy relationships where other people respect and care about your needs and feelings. 

• Boundaries increase your self-esteem and personal power.

• Boundaries reduce stress, anxiety, overwhelm and fatigue.

• Boundaries help establish and protect your identity as an individual.

• Boundaries help you become a more understanding person, a better friend and partner.

• Boundaries are crucial for our mental health and wellbeing.

Becoming a boundary ninja requires having the courage to love ourselves even when it means we might disappoint someone.

A boundary is the clear line that declares your truth – asking for what you need, making your own decisions based on what you want, saying “no” when you need to, standing up for yourself, and not feeling responsible for how someone else reacts or feels. It also means not sacrificing your needs to please someone else.

The myth about doing it all and doing it all well is pervasive with the women entrepreneurs I work with. These are women who are daughters, sisters, wives, friends, mothers, aunties, business owners and employers. A lot of people to potentially feel responsible for. These are women who have pushed themselves hard to create and I honor them for that. These are the women who are the change makers and the world needs them. These are also the women who tell me they ended up in the hospital on an IV because they got dehydrated. Or are working when they have a fever. These women know they need to meditate but they just cannot find the time (and then beat themselves up for it.) They take care of everyone and everything before they take care of themselves. And they rarely ask for help.

I know this pattern well because I was one of these women. This was my strategy for decades until I got so depleted that I just couldn’t do it anymore.

To identify the signs that you may need to hone your boundary declaring skills, tune into your body and your emotions. If you feel resentful, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, exhausted, not appreciated, or being taken advantage of, you may need to reevaluate your commitments for how you have not been clear enough with yourself about your needs. When our needs are perpetually denied, we can tend to feel angry with the very people who we are prioritizing over ourselves. Conversely, when we make ourselves and our needs a priority, we have the energy bandwidth and emotional capacity to be kinder and more compassionate.

Over committing to please or rescue others means we sacrifice ourselves and this eventually wears us down.  This striving, whether it shows up as trying to be a supermom, overachieving at work, or volunteering on multiple committees, is how women tend to overcompensate for the insecurity or unworthiness they feel, seeking validation through external accomplishments. 

Saying “No, I can’t do that,” can feel incredibly uncomfortable as we begin to practice honoring our boundaries. Choosing to feel that discomfort in the moment is an act of self-care in the long term.

Start practicing boundary setting in small ways:

• Protect your time by saying no to the things you don’t want to do or don’t have time for.

• Practice saying, “My plate is full.”

• Say yes to accepting help and support from family, friends, and co-workers.

• Say thank you to compliments.

• Stop apologizing for who you are.

• Stop feeling guilty about your needs.

• Speak up if something feels uncomfortable.

• Put yourself first – even if just once every day.

If it’s been a while since you honored your own needs, you may not even know what you want. You can get back in touch with yourself. Begin today by doing that one thing you keep putting off because you’ve been making everyone else a priority – take that walk out in nature, write in your journal, take a bath. Reconnect with your body to get in touch with what you truly want. The reward – your self-awareness and sense of identity will grow.

We are each responsible for our own happiness, our own choices, and our own feelings. Believe that you are okay, that you are enough, just the way you are. You need not be or do anything to be worthy of love and acceptance. 

The benefits of boundaries are huge – you get to live a life where you are choosing your own happiness.

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you.What boundaries, physical or emotional, are you needing to get clearer about? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

The Courage to Live from the Inside Out

I found myself unable to write last week. As I sat with this and felt the inertia, the realization dawned that there was a level of vulnerability I was feeling, about my need to write something that would be profound and impactful. The pressure of it felt like an impenetrable wall. 

During a dinner conversation with friends, in which we were discussing our shared belief that we feel compelled to make a difference in the world, I recognized another pressure. The one where I tell myself that my worth is squarely centered in my ability to help others. I got curious about this – is this belief creating more joy and freedom for me? The answer was both yes and no. Yes, when I can sense a positive shift from a client or student. Also, no, because it’s a tremendous amount of self-induced performance pressure. 

I continued to be curious.

What if making a difference begins with me?

What if saving the world means we save ourselves first? 

What if what we need to save is how we create our own suffering with our thoughts?

I recalled an important lesson learned last year while I was on a spiritual quest in Mexico. That the important work I need to do in this lifetime is to save myself. I need to serve my own inner peace first. My writing need only be for healing myself. This might sound selfish at first glance. But if we don’t love ourselves, we are incapable of truly loving or helping another. If we don’t live from our own authenticity and magnificence, then we aren’t offering who we truly are to the world. Without this authenticity, our way of being in the world is one that was manufactured by the mind–most likely for recognition, reassurance, power, fame and followers.

This felt apt for me to write about this week.  To write for myself first and foremost and then maybe, just maybe it will be helpful for someone else. But that cannot be why I am writing it. I have no control over how my work should or could impact another. That’s not my business.

This kind of self-integrity requires courage. Way more courage than minding my editorial calendar. We are so programmed to view everything we do and say from the perspective of how it will be perceived by others. It takes immense courage to live from the inside out. To admit to ourselves where we need to do our own work. This is vulnerable and vulnerability is scary because it risks being seen as we truly are, with our faults and insecurities and weaknesses. 

We must risk being socially exposed to be true to ourselves. This requires showing up and being seen instead of staying safe behind a shield of protective armor or a mask that only shows how we want the world to perceive us. 

Our real work is about revealing ourselves as we truly are, not just the outside but who we are on the inside. The parts of us that are messy and broken. 

Courage is required for this work of living in integrity and alignment with the true self. The root of the word courage is “cor”—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage originally meant “To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.”

Can I risk sharing my heart? Can I not?

If being courageous means having the ability to do something that frightens us, then somehow, we need to find a way to be okay with feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. That shows the most courage of all!

As I moved through this landscape of noticing, being curious and feeling scared to show up and be seen in this vulnerable way, putting my writing out there just for me, even though it might be criticized and admitting my own raw and tender beliefs, I watched my avoidance tendencies. It was quite entertaining to observe all the ways I was avoiding just sitting down and writing. So many things that required immediate research on the computer. Emails that I just had to respond to right away. Cleaning. Calendar organization. Meal planning. Organizing my closet. List making. More research. I was avoiding by doing!

Think of something that you really want to do but are avoiding it because it feels scary. In what ways do you avoid by distracting yourself? 

3 Ways to Build Courage

1) Stay With Your Fear

For me, I must stop the doing, just sit down and quiet my mind. Try this with me. 

Find a comfortable place to sit. Now just observe the sensation of your breath coming in and out through your nostrils. Feel your breath expand into your lungs and belly. Notice the rise of your body with the inhale, the sinking and relaxing with the exhale. If you get distracted at any point, bring your attention back to your breath and how it feels coming in and going out. 

Bring your attention deeper inside to your inner body. Keep breathing. Now notice any fear, anxiety or tension that you might be feeling. Where you are feeling it in your body? Pay attention to the physical sensation of it–the shape, the intensity. Keep your attention on it and ALLOW it. Don’t panic and run away from it by allowing your mind to get distracted. Keep breathing into that area until the sensation starts to shift. It might start to feel like it is getting softer or larger in size. Sit with this until you feel the sensation move through and out of your body and you sense a new level of relaxation and peace take its place.  

Sitting with ourselves in this way and allowing emotion to move through requires courage. When we do the courageous act of acknowledging and allowing fear, we are pointing ourselves in the direction of truth and freedom. It is from this place of truth that we can put our true authentic selves out in the world, even when it feels vulnerable. 

2) Acknowledge Your Acts of Bravery 

Allowing fear and building courage so that we can speak our mind and show our hearts demands being compassionate with ourselves.  Self-encouragement is critical to being courageous. Acknowledge and celebrate how you are bravely showing up in your life – every single day. We all demonstrate bravery every day. We deal with a variety of obstacles and a multitude of fears as a part of our daily lives. And for the most part, we dismiss our ability to overcome these as not worthy of acknowledgement. What I’ve learned is that recognizing bravery, no matter how insignificant the situation may seem to you, is empowering. It fuels self-confidence as well as personal and professional power.  

3) Seek Encouragement and Support

It is incredibly helpful to have the support and encouragement of a friend or mentor. Deliberately surround yourself with people who inspire you and believe in you. Share your vulnerabilities and ask for help in doing the important thing that feels scary. Being vulnerable in relationships creates deeper connection and inspires others to be vulnerable and courageous also. I keep a list of my support team and on days when it feels like life is too much for me to handle alone, I reach out. Getting support is a self-loving act.

We must start putting our work out in the world regardless of how imperfect we might think it is. We’ll screw up and that’s okay—actually, more than okay because it gives us the opportunity to feel vulnerable while also seeing that the world didn’t end because of it. This is how we build courage and get rid of the armor and the perfectionism that are the obstacles to living authentically, from the inside out. Don’t allow your scars to act as tough, resistant guards against future damage. Life shapes us. Let the world see the magnificence of who you truly are. 

I believe in you.

Tricia

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I would love to hear from you. In what ways are you showing the world your vulnerabilities? How are you pressuring yourself to be something you’re not? Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Finding Whimsy in Ordinary Life

After a recent girlfriend trip to Mexico, I found myself feeling glum about returning to the day to day humdrum of stress and responsibility. You know that feeling – leaving behind the sun-drenched beach, snorkeling and kayaking in the turquoise water, and feeling free and easy. Vacation. Then the flights and the jetlag, the return to the winter cold weather, the emails, the bills….This reentry point from a vacation can be difficult, where the everyday schedule and tasks feel ordinary and overwhelming. Where discontent creeps in and dissatisfaction can take over. Because the very nature of a vacation is that it’s a break from the routine, it’s no surprise we can dread coming home. But no one should dread their ordinary life.

Although I have been intentionally working on contentment for the past few years, I still must remind myself that happiness is a choice. Everything (including the suckiness of vacations ending) becomes an opportunity to wipe away the negative thinking and find the blessings. I want to live in appreciation for what’s right in front of me. This was an opportunity to love the life I was returning to.

I’m not saying that beating the post-vacation blues is a walk in the park. But I do believe it can be. As I navigate this shift, these are some tricks and self-reminders that have helped.

• First and foremost. Feeling glum, discombobulated and exhausted post-vacation is normal. Don’t be hard on yourself that you aren’t snapping back with the feeling of renewal and rejuvenation that you were expecting. Cracking the whip on yourself is never the answer. Giving yourself compassion and tenderness is.

• Rest, rest, rest. If jetlag is involved, allow yourself time to rest to acclimate time zones. Give yourself permission to grieve if you feel like grieving. Any transition is letting go of something and grief is commonly involved. Let yourself feel sad for a bit and then decide to feel better.

• Give yourself permission to leave the suitcase and laundry for the following weekend. Remember the whip-cracking and how that’s not the answer?

• Allow for time during the first couple of days to go through emails, snail mail, paying bills, and grocery shopping. This means that you may need to say “no” to other requests and obligations.

• Choose little ways to find joy and comfort. I’ve been making comfort foods, like soup and pudding and watching uplifting movies (“The Hundred Step Journey” was wonderful!)  

• Remember your favorite moments from the vacation and feel gratitude for the experiences. Looking back over the pictures, writing about the experiences and telling friends about your adventures is a way to hold on to the feelings.

Integrate your trip into your regular life. This was the brightest lightbulb moment for me. When I thought about all the ways that my vacation was different, from spontaneous adventures, delicious meals out, impromptu margaritas, chatting with strangers, and enjoying nature, I realized that I can make these same choices at home. My home life doesn’t have to be the inevitable daily grind. I can choose to live the vacation mentality at home. This was the truest gift – changing my perspective about how I choose or don’t choose happiness. 

Returning to the routines of your life can be difficult, but it can be made easier by incorporating some elements of the vacation into your daily routines, like learning to make the pasta you enjoyed so much in Italy or listening to a soundtrack that reminds you of your trip while you are paying those bills. To maintain that free and easy vacation perspective, try on a whimsical lens through which you view life – giggle at your foibles, turn tasks into play, look for the good in people and situations, bring joy to the people around you, be curious. Embracing the ordinary and making small changes will allow you to recognize and appreciate each day, each moment, for the gift it is. Small things can be quite magical.

As a reminder, my screensaver is now a picture of my favorite spot on the beach. I’m determined to make this my state of mind no matter what stressor is presenting itself. I’m committed to finding play and fun in my daily routine. Regardless of whether I’m away on vacation or at home in my life, every moment can be more wonderful than the moment before. 

I’m choosing to savor that morning cup of extra-special coffee. Feeling the brisk winter air on my skin and revel at the birds on the snow-covered branches. Filling up the seed in my birdfeeder and the sugar water in my hummingbird feeders became my top priority. Each moment is just as beautiful as I choose to make it and watching the birds flit about is pure joy.

Plan some fun for the weekend after you get back. Schedule a hair appointment. Maybe there’s a pretty hike people have recommended that you haven’t explored, or a restaurant you haven’t tried, or a part of town you’ve never walked through. Invite a friend to go with you. Discover whole new worlds in your own backyard. 

Because a change of scenery has been so helpful to changing my perspective, I am planning my next vacation. Having something to look forward to can add an extra dose of delight to where you are in the time being. Whether you start looking at flights or just do some image searches of potential spots, the daydream factor can give you a boost.

Going on vacation affords us a new perspective from which to view life and find joy in the mundane of the ordinary. The trick is to experience them in new ways; to find fun in the daily rhythms. It is possible to take our repetitive, everyday tasks and make them enjoyable! Our attitude and approach is what can make all the difference.  Whimsy is defined as, “playfully quaint or fanciful behavior or humor.” 

Living a life, even an ordinary one, fully engaged and full of playful whimsy is something most people want to do but along the way they just kind of forget. Their dreams become one of those “one day it will happen” deferrals. The sad thing is, for many that one day doesn’t come because it requires an overall attitude shift about life. Life can be whatever you want it to be. Life has all the potential you bring to it–nothing more, nothing less. To find out how much that is, all you need do is show up. You just need to be present.

I feel grateful indeed for how vacations inspire my imagination. As I hauled my suitcase across the threshold of my front door, I decided to fully embrace the life I was walking back into and feel grateful for all that it holds. I want to show up for all the wonders and whimsy in each moment.

Today I plan to commit a random act of kindness.I feel downright giddy secretly doing something for someone else, knowing how much a simple act can brighten their day.

May you find the blessings in every day, however mundane they may seem. May you discover a secretly incredible and whimsical life in your ordinary world.

I believe in you.

Tricia

* * * * *

BEGIN THE IMPORTANT WORK OF YOUR LIFE: 

Schedule a free 30-minute consult. Are you ready to live into your full potential? Let’s talk about what needs to change for you to do that. Schedule a complimentary 30-min consultation here:  Schedule Your Discovery Session

Sign up for Tricia’s Blog to get weekly wisdom in your inbox and receive your free eBook: 5 Essential Steps to a Life of Passion & Purpose

Email us if you would like to receive a free copy of our Purpose & Passion Worksheet. coaching@triciaacheatel.com

Upcoming articles:

• Quieting the Inner Critic

• Authentic Leadership

• Overcoming Being a Good Girl 

• The Significance of Your Brand: The Impact You Are Making Through Your Work

• The Self Integrity of Boundaries: Honoring Your Own Values

• Creating a Culture that Changes Lives

• What are the Next Right Steps When You Feel Afraid or Unsure?

I would love to hear from you. How are you discovering whimsy in your daily life?Please share your comments below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Tricia Acheatel has been supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for over 30 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical mindset and business development tools that teach women how to find the courage to live their authentic and brilliant lives. 

From her combined experience – as a corporate executive, business owner and coach, herbalist/healer, life coach, author, life designer, success team leader, and teacher – Tricia brings wisdom, intuition, compassion, and clarity to her work. Her clients and students access newfound clarity, resilience, freedom, inspiration, and the knowledge necessary to launch their dreams.

Are You Holding Yourself Back and Playing Small?

I used to think it would motivate me if I noticed and reminded myself of everything I was doing wrong – how I was falling short, how I could do better, what I could have said differently. You know, replaying past scenarios over and over in my mind to punctuate how I fell short. I didn’t waste time either, anytime was a good time to remind myself. 

It didn’t work. Oh, I definitely got results and was successful, but at a cost. Not allowing myself to believe in how powerful I truly am, kept me drained, flat, unhappy, and well, small. 

There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

Nelson Mandela

 Are you living a life “less than the one you are capable of”? 

 These are some common ways we keep ourselves small. See if any sound familiar to you.

•  Deny compliments and don’t allow yourself to believe them

• Discount successes so you don’t feel too good about yourself

• Fear of appearing egotistical if you talk about your strengths

• Shrink yourself energetically so that other people will feel more comfortable around you

• Put yourself down when talking to other people

• Feel you don’t deserve the things you want or dream about

• Stay in relationships and jobs that aren’t making you happy

• Feel like the world is against you

• Avoid conflict

• Procrastinate the very things that will get you closer to your dreams

• Mindlessly browse the web

• Compare yourself to anyone who you perceive is better in some way 

• Seek approval and validation from others

• Tend to be a perfectionist

• Compare yourself to others to see how you fall short or appear better

• Feel like you never fit in

• Feel invisible

• Don’t speak up if it might upset someone

When we spend our energy finding all the ways we aren’t good enough, we don’t have the energy to follow what fascinates and energizes us. We don’t have the capacity to follow our bliss.

I coach brilliant women. Women who are dedicated, smart and committed to making a difference in the world. Yet they are stuck and don’t feel ready to take on that next big thing because they are focused on how they aren’t good enough more than how they are enough. So, they are waiting until they feel ready. 

Ten ways to own your magnificence and stop playing small

1. Don’t wait until you are ready. Don’t wait until what you are creating is perfect. Don’t wait until you get permission. Jump in and learn as you go. Perfect is the enemy of done. Good is good enough.

2. Remember that failure is essential to success. Instead of trying to avoid making mistakes and failing, successful people actively seek opportunities where they can face the limits of their skills and knowledge so that they can learn quickly. They understand that feeling afraid or underprepared is a sign of being in the space for optimal growth and is all the more reason to press ahead. Failures mean that you are putting yourself out there! The most significant accomplishments always arise out of failures. 

3. Believe in your big dream and commit to it. Decide once and for all that you are going to do this, starting now.

4. Envision the outcome. Imagine what your dream, whether it’s a promotion, a new career or a business you want to launch or grow, will look like and feel like as specifically as you can. Feel it and experience it has if it’s already happened.

5. Notice your inner critic, the voice that is telling you all the reasons you can’t do it, aren’t ready or qualified enough. Then do it anyway. That voice is trying to keep you safe and it’s time for you to give it a pat on the shoulder and say, “It’s okay, I’ve got this.” Isn’t your happiness worth taking the risk of going after what you want despite the voice that is trying to keep you small?

6. Let go of needing to be the good girl that makes everyone else happy. It’s time for you to do what you need to do, even if it doesn’t please everyone. You cannot sacrifice your genius to make someone else happy, it never works.

7. Get comfortable with discomfort. Anything important that makes us stretch and growth has an element of discomfort and fear associated with it. Staying comfortable will not get you what you want. Fear is normal when you are stretching, so feel the fear and do it anyway.

8. Break the big goals down into small actionable steps that you can get done easily and enjoy doing. If it feels too daunting, break it down into smaller steps.

9. Celebrate every step (and I mean EVERY step!) that you complete. Reward yourself with things you love that delight your senses – listen to music or the birds singing outside, watch the clouds or the sunset, smell flowers, snuggle with your dog, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, take a bath, get a hug. This step is essential to keeping that critical voice quiet as well as rejuvenating and recharging you.

10. Avoid comparing yourself to anyone else. No one, and I mean no one has your unique array of gifts, talents and experiences. So just do YOU. There’s nobody alive who can be you better than you. So never aim to be just like someone else. It’s a waste of a perfectly good you.

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

Dr. Seuss

 Whether you’re posting your artwork online, telling a friend the truth of how you feel even though she may get angry or hurt, raising your hand to speak up in meetings, expressing your needs to your partner, showing your kids that you value yourself enough to take time for you, or self-publishing that book you’ve been working on, these acts of bravery will build your self-confidence. 

Playing small doesn’t serve the world. You were born for greatness. You were born with unique and beautiful gifts. Don’t wait until you’re ready. The world needs you now.

I believe in you.

Tricia

* * * * *

BEGIN THE IMPORTANT WORK OF YOUR LIFE: 

Schedule a free 30-minute consult. Are you ready to live into your full potential? Let’s talk about what needs to change for you to do that. Schedule a complimentary 30-min consultation here:  Schedule Your Discovery Session

Upcoming articles:

• Authentic Leadership

• Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

• The Impact of Your Brand

• The Self Integrity of Boundaries

• Creating a Culture that Changes Lives

I would love to hear from you. Please share your comments below. In what ways are you holding yourself back? What would it look like for you to play big?

You can respond below or email me directly at tricia@triciaacheatel.com

Tricia Acheatel has been supporting women in their personal, professional, and entrepreneurial growth for over 30 years. She teaches women how to access their inner wisdom, develop self-confidence, and create with conviction – to shape a life of meaning. Her unique approach blends inner work with practical mindset and business development tools that teach women how to find the courage to live their authentic and brilliant lives. 

From her combined experience – as a corporate executive, business owner and coach, herbalist/healer, life coach, author, life designer, success team leader, and teacher – Tricia brings wisdom, intuition, compassion, and clarity to her work. Her clients and students access newfound clarity, resilience, freedom, inspiration, and the knowledge necessary to launch their dreams.

This Little Light of Mine

When my daughter was four years old, my girlfriends and I took the kids to their very first concert. Raffi. It was glorious standing in line with my girl, waiting to go into the concert hall.  It felt reminiscent of going to rock concerts during college.  I was so excited for all of the first experiences that awaited her. My heart still melts when I remember Raffi singing “This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Shine.”  I yearned for my daughter to love her beautiful light and to grow up shining it throughout her life, for the entire world to see.

At that point in my own life, I wasn’t aware of how I wasn’t yet doing that for myself.  When I did become conscious that I was playing small, I began to notice all the ways that I was holding myself back and being willing to settle for less than my complete happiness.

I used to think it would motivate me if I noticed everything I was doing wrong and I constantly reminded myself of how I was falling short, how I could do better.  That is what my well-meaning parents had done after all and who was I as a kid to imagine that there was a more self-affirming way to be my best? So I adopted that technique and used it through most of my life.

As children, our key survival mechanism is to be accepted.  If we are accepted, there’s a better chance of our survival. So we integrate the messages we receive from parents, teachers and peers as the absolute truth and we modify our true nature accordingly in order to become more acceptable. These messages become a running tape in our minds that continues playing until we begin to question it.  These were the thoughts and beliefs that kept me small and kept me being a good girl.

Of course I have had many successes in my lifetime.  But I often didn’t celebrate those successes because no matter how well I did, I could always do better.  This was what I told myself.  I can remember squelching feelings of pride when I reached goals so that I wouldn’t become egotistical or over-confident. People might not like me if I didn’t stay humble and powerless.

Not allowing myself to believe in how powerful I truly am, kept me drained, flat, unhappy, and well, small.  It was safer or so I thought. Being accepted was more important than feeling good about myself.

When we spend our energy telling ourselves we’re not doing good enough, we have very little time and energy left to do what we were meant to do.  We end up working even harder to do better and have less and less time and energy.

So how can we be our biggest, most powerful and radiant selves, yet also remain compassionate and vulnerable?

1.    Question Your Thoughts. In accepting our thoughts as the gospel truth, we are allowing them to limit us.  We are putting our thoughts in control of who we are and yet these are the very same insidious thoughts that were meant to keep us in line. We each have so much more potential than we allow ourselves to believe. Every single minute of every single day, our work is about noticing what thoughts we choose to believe. Thought by thought as we release our belief in them, we get lighter and lighter.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” ― Marianne Williamson

2.    Practice radical self-acceptance. I have worked hard on all the ways I used to keep myself small.  I now know and appreciate that I am unique, that there is only one me. I have learned that the only person I need to listen to is me.  I am the author of my own story. The only person I need to please and be accepted by is me.  My opinion is the only one that matters. I have within me a Divine Light, a little piece of God. And so do YOU. That makes both of us, special and beautiful and ENOUGH. This is the radical self-acceptance and enough-ness that is the theme of my story now.

3.    Stop comparing yourself with other people. When we compare ourselves with others, we are dimming our own light. We watch what other people are doing and invariably find someone who is doing better than we are. We look everywhere for validation of who we are except the one place we need to look: inside.  The truth is that no one is better or worse than anyone else.

4.    Notice the ways you keep yourself small. Do you:

·      Deny compliments and don’t allow yourself to believe them?

·      Keep in check any feelings of success or only notice what you did wrong, so you don’t feel too good about yourself?

·      Have fears about not being accepted if you shine your brightest because you might scare people away?

·      Put yourself down when talking to other people?

·      Feel you don’t deserve the things you want or dream about?

·      Stay in relationships and jobs that aren’t working and are so depleting that it feels like you are dying a slow death?

·      Procrastinate and avoid the very things that will get you closer to your dreams?

·      Seek approval and validation from others?

·      Have a wounded belief system that accepts “I am not [fill in the blank] enough?”

·      Compare yourself to others to see how you fall short or appear better?

“Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they’re yours.” ― Richard Bach

5.    Make a list of all the ways you are already enough. Do your own healing work so your light can shine it’s brightest.  What is everything you love about yourself and your life right now?  This includes even the smallest of things, like how well your brush your teeth or how much you appreciate your hands.  By finding the blessings you have right now to feel grateful for, you validate yourself and validate your life.

Playing small doesn’t serve the world. When we shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to shine too. When we are liberated from our own fear, our presence liberates others.  Every single one of us is unique and special and the world needs each of us to live up to our full potential.  Even when it feels scary, we need to just feel the fear and do it anyway.  Discovering our unique gifts, what we are born to offer the world and what we feel passionate about is what we are here to do.  

Shine your light brightly,

Tricia

Tricia Acheatel is a  Life Coach, Registered Herbalist and Entrepreneur Mentor. She helps clients when they feel stuck and small to shine their light, big and bold, with confidence and clarity. She believes that we each must offer the world our unique and beautiful legacy.  Email: coaching@triciaacheatel.com

www.triciaacheatel.com

I would love to hear about how you are learning to be a more powerful YOU.  Leave a comment and share if this article resonated with you and there are ways that you could shine brighter.

Photo credit:  Morgan Sessions